The Parrot

District Attorney:       For the court record, your name, sir?

Witness, Parrot:        Polly.

D.A.                            Is that your full name? Don’t you bear a longer appellation?

Parrot:                        If you’re suggesting Wannacracker, no.

Judge (to Parrot):     Answer the question directly, please.

Parrot:                        I am Polly Z. Psitlaciformes, according to the book.

D.A.:                          What’s the Z stand for?

Parrot:                       Zygodactyl, meaning pair-toed, unlike, say, the stork or the rook.

D.A.:                          That is a mouthful, if I may say so.

Parrot:                        I don’t see why: you’re here to ask a series of predictable dumb questions,                                             not to say anything in particular.

D.A.:                          Your Honor—

Parrot:                       Withdrawn.

D.A. (to Parrot):        You have been accused, among other things, of complete, off-the-wall                                                     smart-ass remarks that frequently deviate into sense.

Parrot:                       That may be. It depends.

Q. Are pilot fish associated in any way with flying fish?

A. Not at all. A pilot fish lives in the mouth of a whale. When he goes to work in the

morning, he says to his wife, “I’m leaving for the orifice,” and that’ll be his day, darting in and out  

of whale’s teeth for his sustenance. His name is a misnomer, and he has nothing to do with your   true flying fish—or your fake one, for that matter. Flying fish, by the way, do have a sort of lateral 

fin-wing on each side. But they do not have, and never have had, propellers. Also, they never fly 

non-stop anywhere, but only make short hops. That might be because they've been de-

regulated. They’ll discontinue stewardesses next.